Parents’ roles change when their children leave home. Whether they had a career or were stay at home parents, change brings grieving for what will never be again. Sure, children come back, but everyone in the family is forced to go beyond the roles they lived. Now what is a question that becomes real after the big hug goodbye?

When my daughter left for college, three thousand miles from home, the reality hit me that my role as her parent was instantly different now. I sobbed on the airplane back home. I couldn’t believe I had a child in college. I couldn’t believe all the planning and exploration for her future landed her in the college of her choice and that she actually wasn’t going to be in her room, blasting music, laughing with her friends, leaving all the lights on, nor at volleyball practice. No more questions of what’s for dinner or can we have study group here after school? The daily connection of sharing and questioning and arguing or saying sorry would disappear for months.

What would I do with my free time and how long would the tears fall from missing her?

How can you not miss someone you have deeply loved for eighteen years? You will always love them but how you love changes.

Tips for what’s next:
1. Believe it or not, you need to let your children decide how much connection and intimacy they want to have with you. Viewing it with this perception decreases your disappointments.

2. Learn to focus on yourself after all these years of care taking them.

3. Let yourself simply be without the pressure of having to know if you are going back to school, volunteering, entering into the arts for some healing, applying for a new job, leaving your marriage, spending more time with your partner or finally dating.

4. Be gentle with yourself during this transition. Talk with yourself like you would with your child who is stressed and uncertain about fitting in, knowing what to do, or what really matters.

5. Get support. If you don’t have someone who has been in your shoes then find someone online who knows what it feels like to be an empty nester.

6. Write down all the compliments people have given you over the years, “You are so organized. You look so healthy. You really understand finances. You make me laugh. You are the best cook ever. You stay so calm under stress. You know just what to say so I don’t get defensive. You really care about people.” When you write these, it sparks what interests you.

7. Email or have friends over asking for their help in regards to what they think you would be interested in and also good at now that you have more free time.

8. Remind yourself you get to change your mind. Parents tell me they can’t get going because they fear they will be stuck since they said they would do something. You are an adult. You get to change your mind.

9. Plan one thing to do each week and write it down. It helps to get you out the door.

10. Assess all your relationships in time. Do they need a course correction, a slight alteration, or a wave goodbye?

11. Spend time with people you haven’t had the time to be with, for example, your nieces or nephews or friends who live in another city.

12. Write yourself a letter talking about what you loved about being a parent. It gives you acknowledgement and a window into what makes you feel good.

13. Write what you didn’t like about parenting.

14. Notice what lifts your energy in a day. Is it talking on the phone with a friend? What drains your energy? This transition is a time to notice what you are thinking about and what you are feeling.

15. Let yourself feel whatever you are feeling and whenever you feel it. I know that sounds silly, but often parents share they think they should be over the tears and that they can’t control tears falling. They are just feelings. They aren’t the all of you nor do they define you. They actually release and teach you more about yourself.

16. Lower your expectations. That doesn’t mean don’t have dreams. It does mean deal with what is and not what you wish it would be in regards to how your life is today or how you are being treated. Key is the word today.  Could be different in time.

17. Learn how to play again. Go have fun. Figure out what is fun for you and what isn’t. Write it down. When you have stuck days, pull up that list that reminds you what you like to do and what you wanted to do.

18. I notice we get stuck like a hamster on a wheel. We go round and round with an idea or thought. Jump off the wheel. Make a choice. You get to change your mind.

19. The arts are healing and you just might find one that feeds you, so take a class or go and enjoy watching something in the arts.

20. I found my dormant writer when I was an empty nester. I believe we all have parts that had to go dormant in order to do what had to be done. It wasn’t until I rested and let myself be that I remembered a teacher telling me I could be a writer if I wanted to be. I actually forgot I loved to write. I write in different voices. It is fun for me and I simply have to write.  Some people have to paint or jog. You know what I mean. Once I rediscovered the writer in me, I took classes and built a new community of writers to connect with and have a really good time. When my daughter lived at home, I had no idea I would write daily. Now I write for myself, for parenting and baby boomer websites, as well as, my own website.

21. When you notice you are getting irritable or controlling, it might be a sign you just need some help, but didn’t know it, nor did you think to ask for help. Be kind to yourself when you aren’t at your best. You have never been in this transition before nor is it talked about as much as it could be.

22. Check in with yourself in regards to how much time you are giving in a week to the following: relationships, creativity, finances, health, spirituality, intellect, having fun, work, and family. I call it the circle of life activity. It takes five minutes. You draw a circle and divide it into pie wedges with the words above in each pie. You answer how much time you are spending in that area of your life. I did this with my husband outside at the patio table. Then we shared our results. It was a quick and less vulnerable way to assess what was going on with our time and priorities.

23. Listen more than advise when your children call home. “I know it is frustrating. What do you think would help you right now?” Re-direct the conversation back to them so they felt heard and can problem solve. They just want to feel safe to say what they are thinking and feeling and that is the role you play with them. Thank goodness.

24. Be aware that other losses might emerge from this initiation of change. It is natural for memories to pop up. Grieving is part of life so get support.

25. Look at magazines, catalogues at colleges on and off line, libraries, bookstores, use computers, to begin researching what you might enjoy. Ask people what the down side is to their job or volunteer work. You already know the upside or you wouldn’t be exploring it. Make time after the research to get quiet and hear what pops up inside you so you don’t get lost in what other people say.

26. Take a trip.  Being away invigorates your imagination and thoughts. If you don’t have someone to go with, look online for groups that travel together.
Empty makes room for something new. I was given a nest made of wire for a gift since my company is Empty Nest Support Services. When my daughter comes home for a visit, I put a white egg in the nest. I take it out when she leaves. I do this little ritual to remind me of the transition. I keep the nest visible. Transitions aren’t easy and they keep on coming so find something to help you.

What’s next for you? Write what comes to mind right now. “I have no idea.” You can write that because it might be the truth. Write that on another day, What’s next for you…and you might say…Make time for you to be with you with no agenda.